以德報怨

從前,我覺得只要對別人好,別人便會對自己好。

可是,一次又一次,一次又一次地失望。

第一任男朋友,現任男友的家人,甚至相識廿載的”朋友”,統統讓我失望到極點。

人們說,不應計較結果/回報。但是,”好心著雷劈”、”良心當狗肺”,世上又有多少個人能夠承受得起?

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放不低

雖然事實是要我接受 C 不把我當成好朋友,但我真的難似放下。

要接受一個自己在乎的人不在乎自己,多難啊!

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假面具

J 是一個我在網上認識的人。一開始時,她是我朋友 C 的朋友,後來我們見過面一兩次,可以叫做是泛泛之交吧。

兩日前,J 希望聽聽別人如何適應新生活的經驗。於我就寫了一個訊息給她,簡短地說我的宗旨和心得。我寫得份外小心,也寫得很清楚這只是一些個人經驗之談,更強調以甚麼方法面對適應實在是個人的意向。

後來,我收到了她的回覆。一個非常經典的回覆。她開宗明義就說不同意我的看法──這也在所難免。然後,她開始跟我說她的生活有多如意,根本不需要擔心甚麼。更甚的是,她告訴我 C 告訴她我的生活很不濟,經濟和人際關係上都有很多問題,而相比之下,她的生活比我好上很多很多。

喂! 小姐?!

首先,我不認為我們在學校裏學過,若不同意別人的意見時,應該用挖苦別人的語氣去表達。那個回覆很令我生氣。我同時也覺得很傷心和失望,因為 C 竟然把我的事情像說八卦新聞一般跟外人說開去。我是否錯信了朋友?還是 J 出賣了我的朋友?不論怎樣,真相已經無從稽考。

一個訊息,撕開了一個人的假面具。為何是面具?因為 J 從頭到尾都扮演著一個可憐、無心害人、受害者和被虐者的角色。今天,我回顧當日她所講的種種,那些壞人X, Y, Z 到底是捏造出來的,還是千真萬確?算了,我已經不會再跟這個人聯絡,她不值得我為她花上一分一秒。

我倒是上了一課:帶眼識人。

++++++++++

Somebody is a person I know on the net. She is my friend’s friend. We kind of saw each other a few times, so she is somehow a casual acquaintance of mine.

Two days ago, I knew that she wanted to hear people’s sharing on how to cope with a new living environment, so I wrote her a message, shared how I did before. I made it very carefully and clear that those were my own point of view and after all every decision-making is a matter of personal choice.

So, I received a reply. That was the most interesting reply I’ve ever read. Right at the beginning, she objected my point of view–which is fine. Then, in the middle of the message, she was telling me how great she was doing right now and that she didn’t really have anything to worry about. Then, her next step was telling me that my friend (our mutual friend) told her that my life sucks, which means my life is full of problems here and there, financially and relationship-wise… and that her life is way way better than mine.

WOW! EXCUSE ME?!

Well… I don’t think anyone had taught people to insult people when you don’t agree with other people. I was feeling extremely irritated. I was also feeling sad and disappointed that my friend (our mutual friend) told this person my personal life like nobody’s stories. Have I mistrusted a friend? Did this person betray or slander my friend? I have no clue and there is no way I can find out.

Anyway, a message smashed this somebody’s mask. Why am I saying a mask? It is because this person was always portraying herself as a sweet, kind, and nice girl. And that she was always a victim and everybody around her was bad. Now, I think back to what she told me way before, those X, Y, Z who made her cry or whatever, were those real and true? Anyway, I’m not going to talk to this person anymore. She does not worth a sec of my life.

And I learned a lesson: pick and choose friends carefully.

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丟假?

今天, 到了他的公司派對。

一切原本好好的,他卻說我丟他的假。

我想來想去都不明所以。

好。既然你認為我不能夠「高攀」你,那以後甚麼宴會場合都不要讓我出席好了。你自己去找一個配得起你的人吧。

+++

好傷心。:-(

為甚麼在這段關係中,快樂和不快樂的指數幾乎平衡?如果快樂的指數能夠高一點點,我也許會更珍惜這一段關係。

如今,一切好像都不太重要。

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善忘

我真的很善忘。

有一次,我因為心情不好而決定留在家中不外出。那一天,我還賭氣問他會不會過來找我。

結果,他晚上有過來啊!我以為他在乎我多了一點。

過了幾天,到他家跟他媽一起吃飯,才發現原來那一晚是他媽有約跟朋友外出,他才來找我。

原來如此。

又是如此。又是因為他媽有約沒有空他才來找我。

為甚麼總是如此?為甚麼?

我很善忘。在寫這一篇日記的時候,我還天真在想他會不會過來找我。這件往事就突然浮現腦海。

我說過,有些事情,要寫在日記上在能幫我記起來。

我真的很善忘。

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留戀

到底還有甚麼東西讓我留戀?

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期望

期望越大,失望越大。

今天,我選擇留在家中,而沒有跟男友和他媽一起外出。

通常,不用上班的日子總是我和男友跟他媽一起外出。那種生活過久了,我覺得很沒有意思。而且,這種生活證明了我們是沒有二人世界的。

我覺得,拍拖時期,總需要一些二人世界,可是我沒有。我試著忍耐,等待情況改變,但一直都沒有改變過。

於是,我越來越心淡。既然,男友不可能做那一個決定,那我自己做吧。

結果,我開始選擇在某些日子留在家中。有時候,我的確覺得一個人的生活比起那個”三人生活”來得快樂,來得舒服。

曾經,我期望男友會因為我的退後而選擇找我,而不和他媽外出。結果,他的行動告訴了我他的選擇。

我很心淡。

我的心,像期望一般提高,然後像失望一般跌得粉碎。

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